She did

Okay she said but I said no like what happened to you you are such a whore wearing such revealing clothes and she replied yeah thanks Arfeen you are so sick and pretentious why do you even care of praying five times a day then come back to me to make love and I said that's normal for a couple and we fought and we broke up damn why I was 23

I laughed and laughed and laughed until I discovered that it happened many years ago I got an invitation to Meliha’s wedding but why did she bother to send me a card like she thought of me then I said if she did she still loved me didn’t she

She did

I am sure

Oh I came to her wedding oh my she’s such an angel she was wearing hijab oh that’s my first time seeing her in hijab and that sweet flower crown on her head oh my then I saw her husband he’s ridiculously handsome no no don’t call me gay but I’m being honest they are a perfect couple and I realised I’m such an ugly sinister who wanted a freaking beautiful girlfriend oh wait look Meliha and her husband were coming to me and then greeted me hi Arfeen long time no see you and I replied yeah yeah congrats on your wedding and I shook my hand with her husband’s and I could feel the warm of his hand told me something like go away she’s mine now like he knew I made love with his wife I bet Meliha didn’t let him know but that’s better

It’s already Ramadan and I’m fasting of course I am why shouldn’t I but

I’m 27 and I heard Meliha just got labored to a baby boy whose name is Areef oh not heard I stalked her instagram account oh suddenly it struck me that her baby’s name is almost my name Areef and Arfeen oh she remembered of me didn’t she

She did

I guess

Then that night after tarawih prayer I went out with my girlfriend whom I was gonna marry on the second hari raya because she’s almost 40 well it’s a trend now for males to have much older partners right

Right

My girlfriend Siti is much older but she’s hot like she’s not pretty at all but she’s a hot body like wow whatever they call it in Muricah butter face is it oh I left Muricah for four years now yeah I was a student in Yale University freaking genius I am can’t believe how I ended up breaking up with Meliha and she chose to marry a clerk instead even though he’s too handsome but my friends said don’t be too sad Arfeen you must know that you’re not suitable with her she’s so beautiful and you’re damn ugly you’ve big ears and your skin’s like you’ve been burnt in hell hundred times but you have a better job than Meliha’s husband just relax and I was like what the hell but you guys are right

Right

I never made love with my girlfriend Siti because I repented I wanted to follow God’s rules and it’s Ramadan even respect for the holy month and no I have never drink alcohol why do you even want to ask me that I never okay

Not really probably I was thinking of Meliha oh she smelt so good oh God why you separated me and her why God why

Walking in bazaar Ramadan that evening oh man I bumped into Meliha’s husband oh he’s realised me shoot me I can’t even remember her husband’s name oh man he came to me Arfeen how are you and I could see his yellow teeth like he never brushed his teeth oh Meliha kisses a man’s lips who has yellow teeth oh no that is absolutely crap oh the teeth are bad too like you’re handsome but you should wear braces man but I didn’t say that out loud of course

Ya I’m fine just buying food for iftar later I replied and you alone I asked

He said yeah I just came back from work and Meliha’s at home not really well I bought chicken soup for her oh I said hopefully Allah will give back her health inshaAllah and he said thanks and he said again happy fasting see you soon and I said you too and we went our own way

23^rd day of Ramadan oh wow how did that happen it’s so fast Siti was so busy asking me to go fitting for our wedding dresses that’s like in 9 days I said I am tired darling can we go tomorrow she said no Arfeen please please I can’t wait to see our beautiful outfits for the big day and then I said ok darling I’ll wait you at the lobby we break our fast in McDonalds she said yes Arfeen yes yes I love you

Oh yeah I met Siti in my workplace she’s my manager but she’s single when I first knew her but whatever I am not single at least and she drives the 200k Mercedes so why not I’m an accountant but I’m still young still cannot afford a Mercedes but I studied in Yale I should be paid more but 6k every month for now is ok

Right

While waiting Siti fitting her wedding gown I checked my instagram and saw Meliha uploaded her baby’s picture who’s only 20 days old wow Areef could already play with her damn that’s cute really

Hey Arfeen how do I look in this dress oh you know I have been eyeing on this dress so long oh my I honestly think she looked so horrible because she’s ugly and her dress was so beautiful but I said ya baby you look fantastic in that then I gave her a kiss then she said thanks Arfeen now your turn to try yours

So that night after tarawih I texted Siti I was going to sleep early and she said okay Arfeen thank you for today love you loads kiss kiss and I said love you too baby

Then I saw Meliha’s instagram again. She uploaded a video of her baby Areef than she said something like my mama’s sweetheart I love you Areef then she showed what she had for iftar it was McDonalds too like what I had McDonalds too I had like fillet-o-fish and she had the same too that’s our mutual favourite because McDonalds in Muricah are not halal so we could only eat fillet-o-fish oh she remembered of me didn’t she

She did

I knew

It's finally the day I solemnized with Siti wow she looked amazing and different with thick makeup but I still think she’s ugly

I know what you’re thinking like why do I still think she’s ugly like now she’s my wife which husband would call his wife ugly isn’t beauty subjective and if you’re in love but in my case no she’s ugly and no one can deny that but I can perfectly accept that because I’m ugly too and the question is am I in love with Siti

Like no I’m in love with her Mercedes oh God why am I so pretentious and fake but tell me which young guy would go for a forty year old lady who’s such an unpleasant face to look at but hold on she’s rich so never mind that’ll do

Meliha came to my wedding but without her husband but with our friend from Yale University her name is Izyan and I asked you’re well already and she said yes I’m fine it was a normal labour ah congrats Arfeen may Allah bless your marriage and handed me a huge box of present and I said thanks and I said thanks to Izyan too and they went to take food

Oh Meliha why are you here then after that she asked me if she could take a picture together I mean siti and I and Meliha and Liana then I said oh why not come then later that night I checked my instagram account and saw Meliha’s uploaded the picture she took with us and the caption says went to Arfeen’s wedding today I am so happy for him then I liked the picture and commented thanks Mel for coming and for the present later she replied oh no problem Arfeen you and your wife are so sweet

Siti went to work the next day oh she’s the manager what could she do working on hari raya who cared though it’s 5^th Syawal already no one celebrates hari raya that long but I didn’t go to work just because

I took satay leftover from yesterday’s open house which was kinda post-wedding ceremony that Siti held for close families then I got a message from Siti hello hubby I am going to be late home I’m sorry see you soon kiss kiss and then I replied it’s ok baby I’ll see you soon eating satay now kiss kiss oh God why did I add kiss kiss at the end of the message I never wrote such to her

Whatever

Oh then I remembered we still haven’t had time to open any presents the guests gave to us on our wedding day and suddenly I got the urge to open the gift Meliha gave to me I ran to the piles of presents in the room near the kitchen my eyes were looking for her present oh it’s there

I took it quickly and opened it by tearing the wrapping paper she had wrapped very nicely just like the way she used to wrap gifts when we were together oh how stupid I was I never appreciated what she gave to me like I never actually kept any gift she gave not one and now oh look it’s a bed sheet and a card inside hmm knowing Meliha I doubt if this was her choice because it’s something really practical not like when she was my girlfriend she would give things I wouldn’t even want to use or don’t know to use for example a snow globe decoration or bandana or fancy socks like really which guy would want things like that but this time a bed sheet wow amazing but why a bed sheet isn’t that quite symbolic ah no she’s just being practical

And the card says hey Arfeen it’s amazing to know you’ve finally found your another half I’m wishing the best for you and your wife take care Mel and wait there’s a kiss also wow I must hide this from Siti

But it made me smile that she remembered of me didn't she

Yes

She did

Later that end of year Siti told me she’s pregnant and I was quite surprised to be honest because I thought she’d never get pregnant because I read a lot when women reach 40 plus it’s hard for them to get pregnant but why our marriage is not even a year

Long story cut short Siti gave birth to a baby girl I’m glad she didn’t inherit our traits she has beautiful round eyes and she’s not an ugly baby at all and most importantly she’s not dark like me glad Siti is fair even though she’s ugly but

Her name is Melisa but I call her Mel

One day when Siti and I went for a walk with Melisa in her baby stroller in Jusco Ampang I bumped into Meliha oh she’s wearing hijab still she’s with her one year old son and she was like Arfeen you have a baby now oh why didn’t you tell me oh she’s beautiful what’s her name and I was nervous and Siti couldn’t recall who’s Meliha so she made a perplexed face like who’s this mad lady and I said my old friend Meliha and Siti replied oh

I said Mel thanks and it made Siti shock that I called Meliha Mel the name we call our daughter then after Meliha walked away Siti asked me by any chance is there anything that you’re hiding from my back like I replied like what

Then Siti pulled the baby stroller that had Melisa in it and left me

Meliha if you didn’t leave me I would love you then

Only if you remembered of me I know you did

This would never happen but it did it sucked I don’t know what to do I wished you remembered me more often because I kinda still love you but it’s okay

At least I got that she remembered of me after all these things

I knew

She did 

Does Time Heal?

I ran away from home when I had a big fight with dad. I can say it was because of a very serious matter, at least for us, for my dad who held to name, position and dignity so much. I hated him for he always embarrassed me, not that he did it indirectly but the way he brought himself up in front of people always made me nausea. I always wanted to hide myself when I had to walk beside or with him. Being one of the respected people in the city. Sadly, my siblings didn’t understand me and I had no one to pour my feelings.

I was such a rebel kid but I never showed it in front of my parents, especially dad because I always remembered him. I was a normal teenager who wanted to be loved and to be tendered by a guy. But when I flashbacked how he made me break up with my ex boyfriend, my wrath never failed to come back. I guess that’s the reason I never made an effort to see him, to apologize. It has been ten years. I was only 20 years old when this happened. I didn’t understand life.

I sighed every time this bad memory came to me. Every time. I loathed myself for not making any effort to find an exit from this misery.

I couldn’t get married with my boyfriend, Cedric Chan whom I co-habitat with because a condition in Islam that needs ‘wali’ for solemnisation. Plus, Cedric was not a Muslim. He was a Catholic. He still agreed that there is only a God. The irony was, he didn’t obey what God has commanded nor follow what is written in The Bible. And then, I asked myself the same question. I didn’t pray, I drank alcohol and I didn’t cover myself – and got insane when people judged me for not behaving accordingly like in The Quran.

I knew what I was doing - it’s a sin; it popped up on my mind every time Cedric and I hugged and kissed and every time we made love. I knew it’s a sin.  I did. I was just so sick of these people around me who kept bitching behind me but never actually wanted to tell me at my face. Just so you know, I knew it’s a sin.

My brain hurt when I saw something that reminded me of dad. When I was younger, back then when I agreed to live with Cedric, I didn’t have the ache. Now, I guess I’ve grown more sensitive and… more fragile because of the wound that was never treated. Even looking at the beer that Cedric bought regularly made me cry. Then he got angry for being so sensitive.

It hurt me that I still remembered what I’d done to my dad. He’s a respected successful businessman. Ten years ago, I remember he donated RM10,000 to a Quran school but decided not to be exposed. He always told my siblings and me how important prayers are. Even though he didn’t mind I didn’t cover up as a Muslim girl, I know he did want me to do it.

My friend, Nadiah who had very liberal parents once said to me, “Dina, go back home. Make your parents happy. Believe me, you’re going to live miserably even though you have freedom.” It’s easy for her to say this. She didn’t have to face what I had to – to face a high expectation of your parents and people around you.

Eventually, what Nadiah told me, every word she said, was true. I did have freedom for a few years, but after that period, my heart ached. I couldn’t do anything right. No matter how many times I told myself that this would go as time goes by, it never went.

People say that time heals a wound. Probably it is true, if I have ever cured it. The problem is, I have never. Time can’t do anything to help the wound to heal if there’s no medicine to cure the bleeding wound. In fact, it would get worse. Like this ache.

“Dina, let’s go.”

I saw Cedric in his gym attire and he was holding the car’s key. “Oh okay.” I replied in a husky sleepy voice and got ready.

I kept still in the car on the way to gym but I was staring at him. Cedric hasn’t known that I’m carrying his baby. “You want to go Changkat tonight, honey?”, he broke the silent.

“Who’ll be there?”
“Nadiah, Razlan, Sherlis, Christy… maybe Saveen. But if you’re not feeling well, sleep lah.”
“Nevermind, I’ll follow you Ced.”

***

That night at Changkat, I drank a few glasses of Vodka and cherry champagne. It felt so good. So good.

Nadiah was there but she was upset to see me. I know why she was upset, it’s not because of my decision to lead this kind of live, but because I was a bad child who broke her father’s heart. Nadiah believed that if you made your parents happy, you’d be happy; thus you wouldn’t be worried where God placed you. Heaven or Hell. Nadiah said, she didn’t mind to be in Hell if her family were there. She said that she’d be happy as long she’s with her family, didn’t matter if she’s being burnt many times.

What kind of bullshit. Which servant of God would want to be burnt, and then feel happy about it?

The only thing Nadiah was true that I live in misery because I have a contrary belief with my parents. I wasn’t nice to them.

***

I woke up when Cedric kissed my cheek and hold my left hand tightly. I was in the hospital. Cedric said I passed out suddenly in the club.

“Hey darling, doctor said you’re pregnant.” he cupped my right cheek than brushed my hair gently. “Why didn’t you tell me? You shouldn’t drink any, you know that, don’t you? I’m thankful that you and the baby are fine.”

I spent the whole night alone after Cedric had gone home. The wound had gotten worse. It’s affected me. It’s affected me to an extent that I tried to hurt another. My baby.

***

My life couldn’t get any tragic. The night my baby was born, Cedric was killed in an accident. His car was crashed under a trailer on the way to see me. “Astagfirullah, forgive me… O Allah…”
I muttered those words after so long I had left the track.

“If this punishment is to wash my sins, I accept it wholeheartedly.”

***

I hugged my three-year-old son and told him that we were going to see grandpa. I decided to fix what has been broken so long. In my case, Alhamdulillah, Thank God, dad forgave me.

I visited dad regularly until his last day. To see his smile when he played with his grandson was the best thing in the world. Mom was happy that he passed away peacefully. I did too. I am glad I braved myself to see him and say ‘sorry’.

I learnt in life that time doesn’t heal without any condition. To answer the question - does time heal? Heh. No, and yes. Trust me, if you only rely on time, it is not going to work.

Make an effort.

 And then, only after that you can tawakkal, let God do His job.

Questions

Farhan was lying on his bed that afternoon after school, his eyes were on the ceiling fan but he wasn’t really looking but something beyond the fan in fact. He took a deep, long breathe and fall asleep after awhile.

“Why it’s only you who screwed up, Farhan? All of your friends now have jobs. Some of them are married. Got kids. Pretty wives somemore. You, what you got?”

Farhan woke up from his sleep. It was a short nap but yet, the harsh words by his late mother still stuck in his brain even though he was sleeping. He was devastated early that year when his mother passed away. Reason of death was unknown; she was only 59 years old and lived with no sickness. Farhan missed his mother dearly. Only when she’s gone. It’s true that people say, when you’re gone, people will listen to you, talk about you and become so popular but funny that they don’t have a clue who the hell you were.

“Why did God put me in this damn hard situation? Why did He torture me? Why did He take my father, then also my mother? Why does He love seeing me in sadness and depression?”

Farhan took a long shower that evening. He was working in a McDonald restaurant near to his house from 8pm to 5am. He chose to work at night because that’d be the reason he could give to his friends if any of them asked him to hang out. He clearly had no reason to have fun anymore, he thought.

“What’s the point of having fun when the life I’m living is fucked up? I’ll just have some money for me, only me to eat and pay the fucking bills. What else? Oh the TV,  but wait, why do I even watch TV?”

Farhan punched his work card, as usual, he was one of the earliest ones who came for the night shift. He didn’t have any thing else to do, at least that was what he was thinking.

That night, he was a cashier instead of doing job at back. He didn’t like to face people, but he just had to take it when he was told to.

“Hi, good evening, can I get your order, miss?” Farhan asked a sweet young lady, probably at her early 20s, seemed like a college student. He also gave the young lady a smile, but it wasn’t sincere. She replied his smile but it didn’t make Farhan any happier.

“I want Fillet-o-Fish, set please. Lemon tea.”

“Regular or large, miss?”

“Large, please.” She replied while looking at her phone, smiling because her boyfriend sent her a text message telling her that he missed her.

“That’s RM 10.10, miss”

Farhan saw the money in her hand but she was busy with her phone, replying the message she got.

“Miss?” Farhan called her twice, but she wasn’t listening.

“What the fuck..” He accidentally said it out loud, loud enough that the lady could hear him.

The lady looked up and she seemed shock.

“What did you say? What the fuck? Well, how appropriate you are, Farhan.” She replied while reading his name on his nametag. She put a ten ringgit note and a one ringgit note on the table instead of handing to him.

“I’m sorry, miss. It’s a habit. I’m sorry.” Farhan took the money and gave her change.

“It’s okay-lah” she replied, but it’s obvious that her mood was spoiled.

After that incident that night, Farhan became more careful. He became a robot.

“What actually deteriorated in myself? What happened to old Farhan who had so much spirit to be one successful man? Why did it end like this? Why did I give up?” Is it all me to be blamed for this?

On the way back home, he once again asked God, why on earth he was placed here, in such condition. Why couldn’t he be in the Sultan’s son’s shoes? Why does he have to work fucking hard? Why did he lose his mother? Why couldn’t he enjoy life?

            Farhan arrived home after five-minute walk. It was already time for morning prayer. Realising that he always skipped it, he wanted to try, try praying to God, because he used to get comfort after lowering his head to the ground. Apparently, he wasn’t giving his full attention to Him because so many wild thoughts come when he was praying. Like the questions he was having. And new questions too.

            Farhan took his hands out and recited some du’a, prayer. Something struck him but he didn’t know what was it. But he felt comfort, he felt better after the night. He felt so much cleaner, even though he actually neglected a lot of his prayers. But he just felt so.

            That morning, Farhan figured out that the first step to get out of this hell life, he must answer the questions first. Farhan wiped his own tears because he was alone and there was no shoulder to lend onto. But he thought he was strong and now he gained back his self-esteem and realised that he was accounted for what he’s facing, and it’s all him to repair it. Farhan’s mother’s harsh words would never get off of his brain but he refused to think so much anymore, to question what He has written in his life book. He wiped his face after the du’a and smiled…

She suffers too...

“You wouldn’t do that if you really loved me.”

“But, I just had to Mira, I had no choice.”

Aliff remembered the last conservation he had with his ex wife last December. It seems that the month is the month that sky cries a lot. It had been six months since they split, but he still couldn’t get over it. Aliff was deeply in love with Mira, she was his first love, his first high school sweetheart he married to.

It was three years ago when Aliff and Mira were solemnised, he was one of the happiest men on earth. They were blessed with a pair of twins and now since they’ve divorced, Mira took the children with her. Aliff didn’t fight for his kids when their marriage case and custody of children were being settled in Syaria Court. He thought it was useless to raise the kids without a mother, so he just let Mira took over.

Aliff was fired last month for bad attendance and performance at work. He was warned for thrice but he ignored it. He had turned to a complete miserable man after five months his marriage collapsed. He realised that he had lost everything he used to have.

He took a deep breath and stood up from his bed. He walked to a long mirror and told himself that he had gotten skinnier. He could only see bones.

“I still love Mira. Mira. But she moved on. Aliff, why Aliff? Why are you torturing yourself?” He asked himself.

***

There was something infuriated Aliff this morning. A provocation. A provocation that he never thought would hit him. Aliff was working again, he was a mechanic at a car workshop near to his house. Mingling with most guys especially, and to add, same-minded people.

His friend, Johan, suggested him to go to bomoh so he could be with his ex wife again. Johan suggested this because he knew that Aliff was still thinking about Mira and his kids, mostly Mira.

“I know a bomoh from my kampong, I heard about his success of reuniting couples, or making girls you like to fall in love with you. He’s a legit professional. You want to try? ‘Cause I see you’re so sick with your ex wife.”

Aliff gave a killing look to Johan. He was extremely shocked and mad.

“You are nuts. I am still a Muslim. I know my limits. Johan, I thought you were my friend. You are fucking stupid.” He shouted at Johan and threw the wrench he was holding on to the floor. It sounded like a bowling ball fall from the sky and hit the floor. Everyone was looking at them. Stunted.

“Like I don’t know you, Aliff! I fucking know you!” Johan replied but Aliff was leaving the workshop.

***

Aliff couldn’t sleep that night. He remembered how lovely Mira’s hair smelled, her beautiful, sometimes awkward smile she gave to him and her seducing voice and laughter. He missed getting laid with her.

He closed his eyes and what he could see was sweet memories he had with Mira. Aliff and Mira kissed for the first time when they were sixteen, it was behind a school block after school, a sin, a pleasant sin that Aliff thought was fine to commit.

Not a day went by without remembering Mira.

***

Aliff woke up at nine in the morning. He missed fajr, morning prayer again. He had neglected God, his responsibilities as a servant, and mostly, to himself.

After taking a quick shower and putting on his work uniform, Aliff rushed to work with his kapcai motorcycle he bought for RM 250 last month.

It was almost 9.45 a.m when he arrived and saw Johan was fixing a punctured tire of a red Proton Wira. Suddenly Aliff remembered his suggestion about seeing bomoh, this time, he didn’t get raged because he had decided to take Johan’s idea. To bomoh his ex wife.

“Johan, I’m sorry, I was stupid for saying that yesterday.”

Johan didn’t respond, pretending he didn’t hear what Aliff was saying.

“I am sorry, Johan. You hear me? I’m fucking sorry. Now let’s me get something straight. Just bring me to the bomoh you told me yesterday.” He told him, half whispering.

“I thought you were still a Muslim?” Johan asked sarcastically and laughed but before Aliff could interrupt and get mad, Johan added, “but it’s okay if you changed your mind. As long as you have some money, it’d settle.”

“OK.”

***

That night, Johan drove Aliff to the bomoh’s house he told Aliff. Aliff hadn’t had much money to spend on a bomoh’s service, but he just had to. He had barely enough money to eat but he had missed Mira terribly, the urge to be together with her back was high.

The bomoh’s house was fifty minutes from Ipoh, the town they lived and worked. It was in Johan’s kampong but he didn’t even worry if any people saw if he was heading to the bomoh’s house.

They didn’t talk much in the car. One of the questions that played in Aliff’s head was why Johan was willing to help him but he would rather just shut his mouth before Johan changed his mind.

***

Mira grabbed a newspaper on the coffee table in her house. After the divorce, she stayed with her parents because she had no job to support her own kids on her own.

“Two men found dead bloodlessly on a road” was the headline on the day after. Mira didn’t find it interesting until her eyes skimmed on the deceased’s names.

“…victims are Muhammad Johan Bakri and Aliff Osman…”

Mira was shocked that she almost fainted. Her head was dizzy, her eyes started to be watery and at the end, she shouted calling her mom.

After Mira woke up from the faint, she shouted her ex husband’s name, Aliff countlessly. She started to cry after awhile, even though she was comforted by her mother, she couldn’t stop. Then it became worse. She shrieked, like a pontianak. Her kids were watching, their eyes were opened wide, barely understood what was happening.

Mira’s mother tried her best to calm her down. Nothing seemed to work.

That night, Mira’s hair was standing, miraculously, in a strange, scary way. She stopped shrieking, shouting and crying, but she started smiling. Eerily.

Mira’s mother remembered fine, Mira once told her that she had enough with Aliff. It became a question when she acted that way after she knew Aliff’s death. She would be sad that the father to her kids passed away, but it shouldn’t be terrible, as terrible like this.

***

The next morning, Mira’s condition became even worse. She peed around and tried to scratch anyone who came near to her. She laughed hysterically and murmured in a language no one in the house knew.

***

Mira’s mother called an ustaz, to treat Mira. When the ustaz arrived and saw Mira’s condition, he instantly said that she was under a spell. Mira’s mother knew she would have guessed that but she put it down because she hated to accuse anyone for her daughter’s sickness.

The ustaz said that he couldn’t help Mira to threw the demon that was sent to her because he had zero knowledge on it but he told her about a case similar to hers where a mad guy who was obsessed with his ex wife bomoh her, but he died some time after that and his ex wife suffered the same thing Mira was suffering.

The rule of the spell: if the sender dies, the receiver dies too, but slowly…